Sometimes when groups of young Bangladeshi men are hanging on the sidewalk outside my apartment and speaking loudly in a foreign language (usually when harassing passers-by), I fantasize about flinging eggs down on them from my window.

I have it all thought out. It would be covert. I would open the top part of my window just slightly, and turn off my light. I’d get the eggs out of the fridge, and just sort of pop them out of the crack in the window, because I wouldn’t have to throw them hard as they are just below.

And then they’d be all, “Where’d that egg come from?!” and look up but the lights would be off and they wouldn’t notice the crack in the window and they’d be all confused and say, “Well, that we weird, we should definitely be quiet and go home.”

All of that because I am a passive-aggressive asshole that can’t pop his head out the window and just fucking shush somebody.