RYAN SIMMONS: ALMOST HANDSOME

A woman’s digestive tract is the same as a man’s, right?

Activia is marketed towards women. But Activia is supposed to regulate your digestive tract, isn’t it?

So can I use Activia to regulate my digestive tract?

Will people think less of me if I do? Will I have to make up a funny face or a lame excuse when I approach the cute cashier at ShopRite, like I did when I had to buy my girlfriend tampons?

Will Activia actually reverse my digestive tract so I end up pooping out my mouth?

Will Activia make me a woman?

Will Activia make me gay?

Will Activia make me a hermaphrodite?

Tonight, because of the absurdly long Yankees/Angels game, all of Fox’s programming is behind by about 45 minutes. Even now, as Fox plays an old (but particularly good) rerun of The Simpsons at 12:27 am, the schedule is off. I find myself wondering when it will correct itself. No executive of any local affiliate in their right mind would allow dead air at any time so you figure that something has to be playing at any given moment, 24 hours. Where is the missing 45 going to come back? Do they just skip something at some point? That’s 15 minutes of dead air. Or do they just cut off a random show just before the morning news? How confusing would it be to be watching an old episode of the Honeymooners and have the last 15 minutes just disappear to see Ernie Anastas on Good Day New York?

I picture some poor young professional poker player, just starting out, waiting up all night to see his episode of Poker After Dark (which is already starting 45 minutes late) just to see it suddenly ripped away from him. He hopes they’ll send him a tape, but deep down he knows they won’t.

I think of this as I head to bed. Tomorrow when I wake, all will be back to normal…